I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
