in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
