I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
