dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
