I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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