My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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