No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
