I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
