he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
