apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You have to summon your inner elephant
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
