so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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