I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
