i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There's always time for handjobs
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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