Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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