It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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