Well apparently he's into motor boating.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
