my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I love you.
Bad choice
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
