the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
