I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
