Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
