life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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