Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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