Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
