Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
