apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
