If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
