Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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