i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
