I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
