I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
