There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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