There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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