i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
