My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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