Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
