So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
