My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
