If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
