the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
