So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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