Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
