i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
