well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
