You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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