Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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