Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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