I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
love makes seman taste better
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
