take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
