I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
