She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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