Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
