Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
